update

So this may of been the longest I have not spoken to him, It feels amazing I feel stronger, but I do notice the absence.
I have come to terms with the fact that he will probably move on before me and thats because he is male and it just so happens like this.
In reality he has already moved on, the moment he chose to cheat on me he stopped caring about me, about us. He stopped being the man I fell in love with and became a wanker!

I still get scared, scared I wont find that happiness of a family, that I wont meet someone else i will love as much or more.
So if any of you are willing to share your sgtories and give me hope please do LOL.


So due to the various shenanigans for my birthday my goals of health and fitness have gone off the rails.
Dont worry I will be getting back on them as soon as my world finds some order, I have been sick due to the partying and have been on bed rest the last 3 days, luckily I bought a hard drive and have had hrs of movies and tv shows to keep me company.

I have written myself a form of a bucket list

http://www.43things.com/person/m1ssjade

if anyone wants to see pleas go there, great site and concept.

I have also considered weight watchers as a alternative to lite n easy, again anyone have any opinons on it lemme know.

BAHAHA speak of the devil he just called to say hi.....I know I know, im setting myself up for torture and i would be much better off if i just cut him off but i feel i need to go through thre thailand experience with him....crazy or what

Lonely

so each day is always different for me, today since I woke all i feel is emptiness and loneliness.

I dont miss him, I just miss the idea of having someone...
I miss the idea of waking up in the morning and hugging that someone...oh i dont know maybe i do miss him.
I cant even tell anymore.

I hope to look beyond this moment, and in 10 months time look at this as just another faded memory.......

I Feel Free......

I feel somewhat free, more free than I felt Friday afternoon before I left work. Shall I start at the beginning....

So Friday after I finished I took My first step at being Independent and doing what I want when I want, without checking with anyone.  The result....

Thats right I went into the tattoo parlour straight afterwork and got myself the tattoo Ive alwasy wanted but kept putting off, didnt even tell him, which Im sure surprised him since I always go and check with him about everything!

Then i went to dinner at southbank with one of my oldest friends, amazing meal and a bottle of red between us both and we were on our way spoilt drunk! probably one of the best nights out in a long time, i loved it!

we then wandered through the markets and ended up at a pyschic LOL who told me all my great fortunes..actually she really was quiet good. I will def be going back to her.

So saturday night I backed it up with a housewarming at my girlfriends place, now I had only been there for a short time when the shots of Absynth came out...

20 mins later and my head was in the toliet with my best friend rubbing my back reminising about the last time this happened when we were at schoolies

Now the more interesting part of the night. HE msged me and offered to pick me up, I had to see him because he had the documents for my new job.

so I jumped in the car expecting to feel this big flush of butterflies and excitement and I felt nothing...not a thing just meh

we went back to HIS apartment and hugn out for awhile, discussed what was going on in each others lives..of course as predicted we ended up in the bedroom.

The amazing thing is though i felt no emotional attachment, nothing of needing him,  missing him, wanting him, just nothing and i think its safe to say I miss the idea of our relationship and what we had but I dont miss him in the respect of i want you back. which is nice...nice not to feel those feelings I feel free

I really dont know how it all happened, I mean i still love him like a friend...but i dont have that overwhelming feeling anymore, and i feel safe to say that I dont see a future for me in a relationship but maybe just really good friends.

Hello Weekend...

MEN... Seriously what good are they? lol dont worry im not changing teams but i mean even look at celebrities their wives a gorgeous, smart bloody fabulous really and yet they still wander else where and get themselves in trouble.
I think it will always be a mystery as to why they do it, but there is just not good explanations why ashton kutcher would cheat on the Queen of Cougaers DEMI MOORE. same goes for the above couple, posh is damn amazing, hot, smart, stylish and she has a hell of a personality, and he wonders over to some scraggy nanny. who can make sense of this, i mean really if you have an answer Im dying to know.

On a lighter note...I have received communication with the long awaited APS...only to be advised they are sending out docs for me to sign so they can all the necessary check. So yet to still find out a start date. still any contact is better than no contact.

I have disclosed to my boss that i may be leaving the company in the next few months, to which he was surprised but excited for me, as its a great oppurtunity.

The rest of weekend is as follows, I have dinner planned with my oldest friend at southbank, along the water. The markets are on tonight so we may go for a walk through that as long as im not still walking like a peguin . (my personal trainer killed me).

Then tomorrow me and mummy dearest are going to a psychic, Im not sure if I believe in this stuff, but at the state Im in I will try anything to find some hope for the future.

Later tomorrow night i will be heading a girlfriends housewarming which is just down the road from him. He has asked if I will come over once its finished...my heart is saying yes but my head is saying no, only time will tell.

Right now im counting down the hours til i can leave this hell hole. not a fan of work right now, and i feel exhausted and sick, damn you trainer and your hard tactics.

Cant wait to see my girlfriends for some much needed bonding!

Self Respect

I  sometimes question whether I have enough self respect for myself.
There are times when I question what am I doing and is this the right action Im taking.

I spent 5 years loving him more than anything, I would of pulled the stars out of the sky for him. I truely thought I was the luckiest girl on earth to find someone like him who loved me.
He was the only person I have ever fully trusted in and confided to, the only one I let in.
5 years of laughter, tears, fights, love and endless hours of talking.

So after all thats said and done...what is the next right step?

I feel stupid and pathetic sometimes, i feel like I should cut him off and run, never look back.

Am I stupid for wanting to keep this strong friendship with him, even after he cheated, and lied, and cheated and lied some more. Am I stupid for letting him have my friendship, because after he found out the horrible thigns she said to me he continued their friendship.

Am  I not respecting myself enough?

The thing is I dont know  how to say goodbye to someone who holds such a big part of my life. I dont know how to turn off this feeling of love I still have for him after everything...

What is right and what is wrong, when do I start losing my self respect?

Step one...

So I took the first step...and i went to after work drinks last night, as you can see i rid myself off well!

note-wearing the new feel good cue dress, tony bianco heels, versace handbag

i had such a great night connecting with my work friends and having great laughs, im beginning to realise Im not alone, and i really do have a alot of great friends and support, who needs a man.

so we started at Jade Budha...seriously this place is perfect for after work drinks

This place is bliss on a friday afternoon, sunsetting, riverside, $5 cosmos, seriously what more do you need.
so tthe night began here, 3 cosmos down, 2 vodka redbulls and we were off...

funny comment of the night....*its loud and no one can uynderstand what im saying as im trying to tell them the next place we are going, so i translate into drunk forms "oink oink toot toot" (translation pig n whistle) my work colleagues will no longer let me live this down! LOL

so let me just say in the kindest way some people should not be at work drinks, canidate 1, someone in a supervising positon who is a tad bit older with a bunch or early 20's people who work for you, while you get drunk and be sleezyish sorry but im pretty sure i threw up into my mouth at least 10 times to the point where i sent myself home.

canidate 2 is just strange, and gets more bizare with alcohol...who in their right mind at a work function while people are taking photos, grabs the camera, squashs what you might call boobs together and take a photo of it with someones camera....ummmmm yeah no words...

anyway stumbled home at a reasonable time and mummy dearest had vegemite soliders waitting for my drunk ass LOL

on another note....tell me what you think. So I put photos up from last night on my FB, now mr x's best friend who i used to be friends with we arent as close now as his gf hates me for some unknown reason. well anyway has commented on my photo say i look nice. Now if my bf was to do that i would be bustin some nuts up in this joint!

anyway im going to take my hungova ass to watch private practice and eat some strawberries...

The waiting game....

So have been away for a few days due to the move, But I am all moved in now at mums.
So now Im at the waiting stage... Waiting to be happy again, waiting to stop missing him, waiting for my heart to heal (secretly waiting for him to want me back).
I am also waiting to change jobs...but the public service takes forever in submitting formal offers....

I spoke to him over the last two days, dont worry not me always callng him either. apparently in the rumour mill is that skanky friend of the whore is always sleeping the big boss who always has a partner that works there, i swear thast company gives melrose place a run for its money.

So the new plan of attack is that im going to start lite n easy, morning lunch and dinner, 7 days a week. purely for the healthy well proportioned food and its also very convienent seeing as im losing a good hr and a half on the train.
Im always planning on doing the C25K, my goal is run in the next bridge to brisbane.
I have joined a n ew gym and got mysefl a personal trainer, and im doing a bootcamp at the end of sept.
So come thailand I will be one hot bitch!
Wish me LUCK

Private Practice

So over the last two days I have been packing like a maniac, and I find this process extremely hard and sad because it just brings the realisation that things are coming to end. So i had this kooky idea that if i have a happy tv show playing in the background I wont feel so bad...bring in Private practice.

Now Im a huge Greys fan, if I could live in their world I would be complete. At one stage I even had this crazy idea that I could go to uni and become a doctor, HE quickly brought me back down to earth.

So this show is like a spin off, and I was very hesitant because spin off;s never work, but its working for me, the characters make me laugh, and it has that feel good feel to it. Not to meantion its set in LA so sunshine lollipops.

I find her incredibly attractive! how can someone like her not be successful in love.

Anyway so latest update He who we do not name is a jerk! all week we have been saying so friday night we will unassemble the furniture. Now im a very organised person especially when Im in panic mode and stressed, things dont go to plan and I turn into some psycho bitch!

So I say to him last night "do you want to go down and have sushi for dinner tomorrow night before we get down to business" . His reply " oh i might have to go this guy pauls bday dinner " WTF SERIOUSLY.
you will no longer be with me after this, and this paul guy cant be that great a friend cuz i have never heard of him, you selfish prick.

I know you are all thinking...what its just dinner....well no its not it never is, dinner leads to drinks, which leads to more, which leads to him getting home past 11, and me at home trying as hard as i can by myself to unassessble large heavy pieces of furniture. Im not fucking happy jan!

Fine whatever, this just proves to me ano0thr reason why I will be better off and happier (so i keep telling myself). He does this all the time, his friends always came before me, and i was always left to feel second best and always doing backflips for his attention.

So while all you lovlies are having relaxing after work drinks, think of me working hard and proving to Mr Jerk off, that I dont need a man to make it happen.