Its The Most Wonderful Time Of The year....

If you cant tell Im a sucker for Christmas, everything about it and in case your wondering yes I'm 24 not 10.
Its the only time of year no matter what I feel happy, I deck out my whole house, my work desk and constantly wear red white and green.
I go christmas light driving, have carols playing, and christmas movies on repeat.

So today I received my Vogue KK present....its such a brilliant idea, you send a gift and also receive one, and you have no idea who the person is let alone know them, you give hint and tips and its so great coming home to a gift from someone random, giving you christmas cheer.

So my KK listened to me and got me spot on. She got me a Healthy cooking book (i mentioned i have been trying to be healthy) a reusable water bottle ( I have always wanted one of these) and some nail polish ( i so needed them, but when i go to buy them i always think "am i really gonna waste $5 on nail polish). She also included a beautiful card, with great motivation saying to be strong, and things will get better. meaning she must of gone out of her way and stalked my blog to see the drama going on in my life.....KK if your reading I love you for your effort.

To add to the christmas cheer I have also purchased a family ticket for my mum, two sisters and me to go on a bus and go christmas light looking at all the best houses on northside of brisbane. corny I know...but whatever gives you that feel good feeling.

Now the only area where i have been slack is still not attacking the shops and doing my xmas shopping but this mission will occur tomorrow with my nana, wish us luck.

To finish off the post here are some of my favourite christmas movies, I promise when you watch these they will make you feel great.

Thailand Bound

In case you werent aware, here is the background story.....
Me and the horrible Jerk whos name we never speak of had planned a nice trip to thailand for us and another couple (my best friends)

of course you are all aware of how he turned into MY HYDE, and was this controlling cheating lunatic.

well further updaqte on the story, me playing nice and being friendly because i wanted to keep some form of a friendship with him and not let the whole 5 years be waste was a stupid mistake....WHAT WAS I THINKING.

so bloody naive....thought i knew best when really i should of listened to everyone else.

i found out two weeks ago he was still seeing her and letting her and her sisters talk crap about me....
im sorry but i find it hard to comprehend how you could have anything to say about me, when it was you sleeping with MY bf. (dont get me wrong she did me a huge favour, my life has benefited 10 fold since leaving him)

so finally i have cut all ties to him, cancelled his ticket to thailand, deleted his phone numbers, burned our photos, slashed the cute teddies, as far as im concerned i was in a comma for the last 5 years.

but onto the great news...IM STILL GOING TO THAILAND, but i will be single and partying and loving it. my cousin has said she will come which makes it even better. GIRLS TRIP



I have also found the most amazing trainer, she is a man hater like me, and has the most amazing body that i want to aspire to, as i type my arms are aching and this is from yestoday.

lets just say i love life right now.....

Be Back ASAP

Be right back

i promise,


worst blogger ever, but since starting new job had no time...

dont worry i will be back just in time for christmas

Im Chuck Bass....enough said.

I crave for a love as twisted as Chuck and Blair's. So much passion, so much angst.
When he is not playing bad chuck he could quite possibly be perfect.

I have been watching the start of season 4 and it is a great distractor.

some of my favourite lines...

Blair: Do you like me?

Chuck: Define like...
Blair: *laughs* You've got to be kidding, I do not believe this!
Chuck: How do you think I feel? I haven't slept! I feel sick, like there's something in my stomach... fluttering
Blair: Butterflies? Oh no ... no no no, this is not happening!

Blair: How could I still love you after what you did?

Chuck: So you did it just to hurt me. Eva made me into someone I was proud to be. You just brought back my worst self. This means war, Blair. Me versus you. No limits

Blair: Once men have tasted caviar, it baffles me how they settle for catfish.”

Chuck: "we don't need tickets, I'm Chuck Bass."

He just SCREAMS sex....seriously!

Last day today.....counting down the hours til i can go and have my goodbye $5 cosmos.... I shall take trashbag photos and update you all tomorrow.

Plan of Attack

Ok so new plan of attack and one im sticking to. Currently reading "40 days to a city cave man" all you fitness junkies its a agreat read and a real inspiration. It is also a great concept that Im wanting to adapt.

So nov 8th is Game day, That is when I start the New job, the New gym and the new pt.
I have made a deal with myself to only eat fresh food, work out 6 days a week.

my workout plan will look like this
Monday- C25K and Body Pump
Tuesday - Cross trainer for 10 min, bike for 10 mins, and then boxing class
Wednesday- C25k and pt session
Thursday - Rowing 30 mins, then Rpm,
Friday - C25k, body combat, zumba
Saturday Swimming then yoga

Over time Id like to throw more swimmingin there and take up dance classes again.
Im going to make sure I do a big shop of all healthy food for the new week, and am considering joining weight watchers to help me along.

On another note, I have a busy week ahead, and I love busy weeks because that means less time to feel sad and think about HIM

So tomorrow will be my last day at my job, its going to bed sad, I have made some great friends here. We will be going out for goodbye drinks.
Saturday I then Have a pro driving lesson, on my way to my license and freedom. That night I have A gf bday bbq!
Sunday i am going down the coast with the famz til Tuesday.

So I will try and fit in some posts and stop being so damn lazy!

update

So this may of been the longest I have not spoken to him, It feels amazing I feel stronger, but I do notice the absence.
I have come to terms with the fact that he will probably move on before me and thats because he is male and it just so happens like this.
In reality he has already moved on, the moment he chose to cheat on me he stopped caring about me, about us. He stopped being the man I fell in love with and became a wanker!

I still get scared, scared I wont find that happiness of a family, that I wont meet someone else i will love as much or more.
So if any of you are willing to share your sgtories and give me hope please do LOL.


So due to the various shenanigans for my birthday my goals of health and fitness have gone off the rails.
Dont worry I will be getting back on them as soon as my world finds some order, I have been sick due to the partying and have been on bed rest the last 3 days, luckily I bought a hard drive and have had hrs of movies and tv shows to keep me company.

I have written myself a form of a bucket list

http://www.43things.com/person/m1ssjade

if anyone wants to see pleas go there, great site and concept.

I have also considered weight watchers as a alternative to lite n easy, again anyone have any opinons on it lemme know.

BAHAHA speak of the devil he just called to say hi.....I know I know, im setting myself up for torture and i would be much better off if i just cut him off but i feel i need to go through thre thailand experience with him....crazy or what

Be Right Back

i suck Im sorry. Im on annual leave for my birthday LOL

brb

Move over Alba

Thats right move over Jessica Alba, Im gonna give you a run for your money!

I have designed a inspiration board, which i will take a snap of when i get home to show you all. every morning i wake up look at this and get inspired to be healthy for that day!

I have had a massive training session with my PT who might I add kicked my ass with circuit training, as we speak Im sitting here doing absolutly nothing yet my stomach muscles are hurting, but its a good pain, makes me feel like Im getting somewhere.

I have also discussed with him my eating habbits and incorperating a protein shake.

In regards to being just healthier in general I have decided I would like to take up the habbit of Green tea...apparently their are shitload of antioxidents that a great for your insides.

The downer is that I jumped on the scales and I havent lost a thing since starting this journey, but Im going to invest in a expensive scales that tells you body fat, muscle etc. as I have been doing alot of weight training.

Even more exciting My darling friend stayed up til midnight last night and got us BDO tickets!!!!!
I am going to stalk the shit out of lupe fiasco until he marries me! ok maybe not that extreme but Im excited.


HE who we do not name has been in contact just with small hi's, what are you doing? etc. its so confusing because some days Im quiet ok with being friends with him and having him in my life. Then days like today I go into thinking mode, and i start to think I cant beleiev you did this to me, I cant believe all the time you made me sad about not trusting you. I cant believe that for 5 years my world revovled around you and I was only ever with HIM and he was stickin his junk into some other trashbag and then coming home to me, it makes me sick, and right now I hate him......Im sure i will wake up tomorrow and the anger will be gone and life will go on...

Dedication

I need to be more dedicated.... i seem to be coming across all talk and no action

So i figure that if I state my goals online I will feel more obliged to achieve them (so i hope)

TARGET DATE

febuary the 1st 2011

GOALS

My main goals is to be healthy and fit, along the way I would be quite please if i lost 15kg (this is the relatrionship weight i put on)

I would love to be able to run 5k and not feel out of breath

I would love to feel like my insides are healthy and my immune system can kick ass!

I want to have mini holidays, weekends away, so i can feel like im really living life!

I want to surround myself with gorgeous friends that i can have amazing  memories with

and most importantly I want to be HAPPY!!!!!

now the hard part, how to acheive them,

PROGRESS STAGE

-so this is my 2nd week on lite n easy, i kinda failed in the first week with small snacks in between

but today is day 1 of being dedicated

so far today i have had two peices of soy and linseed toast with vegemite, strawberries, bread roll with ham tomatoe and chees, organge and cheese and corn muffin. lots of water and a shot of coffee. 

I plan to go for a run well technically i plan to start C25K today for the millionith time but im sticking with it this time.

 You would all be happy to know I have invested in some garnier fake tan, and started using that last night, its a gradual one.

So count down is on for my birthday week. yes you read right week. i decided to entitle myself to a week long birthday after the shit Ive been through I figured I deserve it.

I really need to start tracking these goals, maybe I will make Monday Goal day. The day i report in LOL.

now back to boring old work.....

 

Lonely

so each day is always different for me, today since I woke all i feel is emptiness and loneliness.

I dont miss him, I just miss the idea of having someone...
I miss the idea of waking up in the morning and hugging that someone...oh i dont know maybe i do miss him.
I cant even tell anymore.

I hope to look beyond this moment, and in 10 months time look at this as just another faded memory.......

Summer Tan

So here lies the question, summer is litterally around the corner, and my birthday is even closer.
Ive always looked amazing with a tan but i dont seem to tan as well in australian sun compared to say sun in new caledonia lol. I also hate lazing around in the sun and sweating.
I have never been to a solarium but a gf of mine mentioned it, and says her sister loves it, now i have asked around a fair bit and there have been alot of mixed answers

some say solariums are great, safer than the sun
other says solariums are a killer compared to the sun

of course the alternative is fake tan and spray tans, but oh how i hate them.

That long grueling process of putting on fake tan, and exfloiating and then doing all over again a few days later to keep it up. although it does look great its just so time consuming doing it all summer.

Spray tans ive never been a fan of, i find i get one, and it always washes off completely.

yes please a tan like that thanks would be great...
so what are your opinons to fake tan or sun bed?

On a more exciting note birthday plans are all in place, I have hired a appartment in the city for saturday and sunday night. There will be a dinner saturday night with my close friends followed by clubbing, and then sunday will everyones all fave SUNDAY SESSION.
The only downfall in all my planning is that, my sydney plans have fallen apart.
since the break up my dad said he would take me to sydney and use the 2nd ticket, but now he has also cancelled on me due work commitments.
My dilemma is this I really wanna go to syd cuz I havent been and I wanna do the tourist thing...so do I go on my own for 2 nights and spend my Birthday lonely (my bday falls on the day Im in syd) or do i forfeit the trip and stay home and spend it with my mummy....decisions decisions

I Feel Free......

I feel somewhat free, more free than I felt Friday afternoon before I left work. Shall I start at the beginning....

So Friday after I finished I took My first step at being Independent and doing what I want when I want, without checking with anyone.  The result....

Thats right I went into the tattoo parlour straight afterwork and got myself the tattoo Ive alwasy wanted but kept putting off, didnt even tell him, which Im sure surprised him since I always go and check with him about everything!

Then i went to dinner at southbank with one of my oldest friends, amazing meal and a bottle of red between us both and we were on our way spoilt drunk! probably one of the best nights out in a long time, i loved it!

we then wandered through the markets and ended up at a pyschic LOL who told me all my great fortunes..actually she really was quiet good. I will def be going back to her.

So saturday night I backed it up with a housewarming at my girlfriends place, now I had only been there for a short time when the shots of Absynth came out...

20 mins later and my head was in the toliet with my best friend rubbing my back reminising about the last time this happened when we were at schoolies

Now the more interesting part of the night. HE msged me and offered to pick me up, I had to see him because he had the documents for my new job.

so I jumped in the car expecting to feel this big flush of butterflies and excitement and I felt nothing...not a thing just meh

we went back to HIS apartment and hugn out for awhile, discussed what was going on in each others lives..of course as predicted we ended up in the bedroom.

The amazing thing is though i felt no emotional attachment, nothing of needing him,  missing him, wanting him, just nothing and i think its safe to say I miss the idea of our relationship and what we had but I dont miss him in the respect of i want you back. which is nice...nice not to feel those feelings I feel free

I really dont know how it all happened, I mean i still love him like a friend...but i dont have that overwhelming feeling anymore, and i feel safe to say that I dont see a future for me in a relationship but maybe just really good friends.

Hello Weekend...

MEN... Seriously what good are they? lol dont worry im not changing teams but i mean even look at celebrities their wives a gorgeous, smart bloody fabulous really and yet they still wander else where and get themselves in trouble.
I think it will always be a mystery as to why they do it, but there is just not good explanations why ashton kutcher would cheat on the Queen of Cougaers DEMI MOORE. same goes for the above couple, posh is damn amazing, hot, smart, stylish and she has a hell of a personality, and he wonders over to some scraggy nanny. who can make sense of this, i mean really if you have an answer Im dying to know.

On a lighter note...I have received communication with the long awaited APS...only to be advised they are sending out docs for me to sign so they can all the necessary check. So yet to still find out a start date. still any contact is better than no contact.

I have disclosed to my boss that i may be leaving the company in the next few months, to which he was surprised but excited for me, as its a great oppurtunity.

The rest of weekend is as follows, I have dinner planned with my oldest friend at southbank, along the water. The markets are on tonight so we may go for a walk through that as long as im not still walking like a peguin . (my personal trainer killed me).

Then tomorrow me and mummy dearest are going to a psychic, Im not sure if I believe in this stuff, but at the state Im in I will try anything to find some hope for the future.

Later tomorrow night i will be heading a girlfriends housewarming which is just down the road from him. He has asked if I will come over once its finished...my heart is saying yes but my head is saying no, only time will tell.

Right now im counting down the hours til i can leave this hell hole. not a fan of work right now, and i feel exhausted and sick, damn you trainer and your hard tactics.

Cant wait to see my girlfriends for some much needed bonding!

Self Respect

I  sometimes question whether I have enough self respect for myself.
There are times when I question what am I doing and is this the right action Im taking.

I spent 5 years loving him more than anything, I would of pulled the stars out of the sky for him. I truely thought I was the luckiest girl on earth to find someone like him who loved me.
He was the only person I have ever fully trusted in and confided to, the only one I let in.
5 years of laughter, tears, fights, love and endless hours of talking.

So after all thats said and done...what is the next right step?

I feel stupid and pathetic sometimes, i feel like I should cut him off and run, never look back.

Am I stupid for wanting to keep this strong friendship with him, even after he cheated, and lied, and cheated and lied some more. Am I stupid for letting him have my friendship, because after he found out the horrible thigns she said to me he continued their friendship.

Am  I not respecting myself enough?

The thing is I dont know  how to say goodbye to someone who holds such a big part of my life. I dont know how to turn off this feeling of love I still have for him after everything...

What is right and what is wrong, when do I start losing my self respect?

Tomorrow When the War Began...

So Im currently reading this series, and i cant put it down, i feel as though i sit on the edge of my seat the whole time im reading it.

So i went and saw it at the movies yesterday, it was amazing, i loved every second.

so much passion in this movie, i laughed i cried, i felt part of the team.

The movie was just as good as the book.

The characters were perfect, except for robyn I imagined Robyn to be more sporty, and so much of a preacher.

I have also happened to fall in love with the gorgeous Homer, he is just gorgeous! I could so see myself getting over my heartache with him.

would you look at that. Someone please tell me where I find a boy like him!

Step one...

So I took the first step...and i went to after work drinks last night, as you can see i rid myself off well!

note-wearing the new feel good cue dress, tony bianco heels, versace handbag

i had such a great night connecting with my work friends and having great laughs, im beginning to realise Im not alone, and i really do have a alot of great friends and support, who needs a man.

so we started at Jade Budha...seriously this place is perfect for after work drinks

This place is bliss on a friday afternoon, sunsetting, riverside, $5 cosmos, seriously what more do you need.
so tthe night began here, 3 cosmos down, 2 vodka redbulls and we were off...

funny comment of the night....*its loud and no one can uynderstand what im saying as im trying to tell them the next place we are going, so i translate into drunk forms "oink oink toot toot" (translation pig n whistle) my work colleagues will no longer let me live this down! LOL

so let me just say in the kindest way some people should not be at work drinks, canidate 1, someone in a supervising positon who is a tad bit older with a bunch or early 20's people who work for you, while you get drunk and be sleezyish sorry but im pretty sure i threw up into my mouth at least 10 times to the point where i sent myself home.

canidate 2 is just strange, and gets more bizare with alcohol...who in their right mind at a work function while people are taking photos, grabs the camera, squashs what you might call boobs together and take a photo of it with someones camera....ummmmm yeah no words...

anyway stumbled home at a reasonable time and mummy dearest had vegemite soliders waitting for my drunk ass LOL

on another note....tell me what you think. So I put photos up from last night on my FB, now mr x's best friend who i used to be friends with we arent as close now as his gf hates me for some unknown reason. well anyway has commented on my photo say i look nice. Now if my bf was to do that i would be bustin some nuts up in this joint!

anyway im going to take my hungova ass to watch private practice and eat some strawberries...

The waiting game....

So have been away for a few days due to the move, But I am all moved in now at mums.
So now Im at the waiting stage... Waiting to be happy again, waiting to stop missing him, waiting for my heart to heal (secretly waiting for him to want me back).
I am also waiting to change jobs...but the public service takes forever in submitting formal offers....

I spoke to him over the last two days, dont worry not me always callng him either. apparently in the rumour mill is that skanky friend of the whore is always sleeping the big boss who always has a partner that works there, i swear thast company gives melrose place a run for its money.

So the new plan of attack is that im going to start lite n easy, morning lunch and dinner, 7 days a week. purely for the healthy well proportioned food and its also very convienent seeing as im losing a good hr and a half on the train.
Im always planning on doing the C25K, my goal is run in the next bridge to brisbane.
I have joined a n ew gym and got mysefl a personal trainer, and im doing a bootcamp at the end of sept.
So come thailand I will be one hot bitch!
Wish me LUCK

Private Practice

So over the last two days I have been packing like a maniac, and I find this process extremely hard and sad because it just brings the realisation that things are coming to end. So i had this kooky idea that if i have a happy tv show playing in the background I wont feel so bad...bring in Private practice.

Now Im a huge Greys fan, if I could live in their world I would be complete. At one stage I even had this crazy idea that I could go to uni and become a doctor, HE quickly brought me back down to earth.

So this show is like a spin off, and I was very hesitant because spin off;s never work, but its working for me, the characters make me laugh, and it has that feel good feel to it. Not to meantion its set in LA so sunshine lollipops.

I find her incredibly attractive! how can someone like her not be successful in love.

Anyway so latest update He who we do not name is a jerk! all week we have been saying so friday night we will unassemble the furniture. Now im a very organised person especially when Im in panic mode and stressed, things dont go to plan and I turn into some psycho bitch!

So I say to him last night "do you want to go down and have sushi for dinner tomorrow night before we get down to business" . His reply " oh i might have to go this guy pauls bday dinner " WTF SERIOUSLY.
you will no longer be with me after this, and this paul guy cant be that great a friend cuz i have never heard of him, you selfish prick.

I know you are all thinking...what its just dinner....well no its not it never is, dinner leads to drinks, which leads to more, which leads to him getting home past 11, and me at home trying as hard as i can by myself to unassessble large heavy pieces of furniture. Im not fucking happy jan!

Fine whatever, this just proves to me ano0thr reason why I will be better off and happier (so i keep telling myself). He does this all the time, his friends always came before me, and i was always left to feel second best and always doing backflips for his attention.

So while all you lovlies are having relaxing after work drinks, think of me working hard and proving to Mr Jerk off, that I dont need a man to make it happen.

Goals

So my plan of attack is to focus on goals. This week i have had numerous pannic attacks, and that feeling of butterflies in my stomach because i know Saturday is coming closer and closer.
This weekend will be breaking point, I will be moving out and saying goodbye to the life we shared and starting on my own again.

I know many of you are thinking "oh you'll be right" but Im not so sure. I never got the chance to do the young and free 20's thing like everyone else, although now im getting my chance mid 20's.

So to get through this stupid bullshit i plan to focus, on what you ask? everything I couldnt when i was with HIM. That means travel....omg travel, how badly i want to see the world.

So thailand is booked and paid for in next feb...it doesnt count though because its with HIM and he still wants to go, whatever we are friends and by then i will be over him and lies.
My main goal though is a contiki trip I want to do "The Best of USA".

LA, San Fran, Vegas, New York, and Hawaii on the way home. I have dreamed many years of this trip and HE always said no. well no more holding back! USA BABY HERE I COME
I decided on contiki as i thought it would be a good opportunity to meet new people also, plus less organising on my end.

In the meantime I will focus on reading I have over 50 books to read that i bought from the lifeline book fest, Im in the middle of the tomorrow series, must finish it asap so i can see the movie.
Gyming it, i need to shed this relationship weight thats the stupid european wanted me to have "blah blah i like curves, blah blah blah then i fucked a tall skinny whore behind your back" woops sorry it slipped.
spending time with my family, my gorgeous sisters and mum
and also rediscovering who i am, and reconnecting with old friends.

one more day to moving day, so the plan of attack tonight is pack, ravioli for dinner, glass of wine, and having private practice playing in the background ( my logic is if i watch a happy show while packing i wont get so sad)

The Long Road Ahead

So where to begin....

Im starting this blog to help me deal with whats going on in my life and the major turn it has taken.

2 weeks ago my life came to a shattering halt.

it was like the world stopped and i couldnt breathe.

I met him when i was 18, we fell in love hard and fast.

I didnt like him at first, he was too nice, too much of a good boy, b ut everyone said he was perfect and to give him a chance.

we pretty much started living together after 3 months

I spent 5 years with him, loved him more than i knew i could, bent over backwards for him and worshipped him, I was sure he felt the same.

we talked constantly about getting married, had the date picked out, and what our kids would look like, where we would live when we retired.

Thats was all just a dream i guess, i have since found mr perfect had been having an affair for 8 months wit a whore at his work, whom i knew and had spent time with.

Now he tells me he loves me, but is not in love with me, he cares about me more than anything and thinks maybe we might end up back together.

how does anyone expect you to believe that kind of shit after that kind of betrayl.

I still love him more than life and want to be with him, and pray we do make it back to each other becuz i cant imagine a future without him but i dont see how it can happen.

We are still close friends becuz i cant bare not to have him in my life when he has been so much, i know its not healthy but i have to do this my own way.

Im trying to believe these events happened for the better good and will be a blessing in disguise.

I believe i lost myself him, and felt restricted to experience life.

Im trying to look at all this as a chance to  be free and do everything i want and start putting myself first and rediscovering who im meant to be.

So this is the long road back from the lowest of lows....only time will tell where the destination if going to end up.