Lonely

so each day is always different for me, today since I woke all i feel is emptiness and loneliness.

I dont miss him, I just miss the idea of having someone...
I miss the idea of waking up in the morning and hugging that someone...oh i dont know maybe i do miss him.
I cant even tell anymore.

I hope to look beyond this moment, and in 10 months time look at this as just another faded memory.......

Summer Tan

So here lies the question, summer is litterally around the corner, and my birthday is even closer.
Ive always looked amazing with a tan but i dont seem to tan as well in australian sun compared to say sun in new caledonia lol. I also hate lazing around in the sun and sweating.
I have never been to a solarium but a gf of mine mentioned it, and says her sister loves it, now i have asked around a fair bit and there have been alot of mixed answers

some say solariums are great, safer than the sun
other says solariums are a killer compared to the sun

of course the alternative is fake tan and spray tans, but oh how i hate them.

That long grueling process of putting on fake tan, and exfloiating and then doing all over again a few days later to keep it up. although it does look great its just so time consuming doing it all summer.

Spray tans ive never been a fan of, i find i get one, and it always washes off completely.

yes please a tan like that thanks would be great...
so what are your opinons to fake tan or sun bed?

On a more exciting note birthday plans are all in place, I have hired a appartment in the city for saturday and sunday night. There will be a dinner saturday night with my close friends followed by clubbing, and then sunday will everyones all fave SUNDAY SESSION.
The only downfall in all my planning is that, my sydney plans have fallen apart.
since the break up my dad said he would take me to sydney and use the 2nd ticket, but now he has also cancelled on me due work commitments.
My dilemma is this I really wanna go to syd cuz I havent been and I wanna do the tourist thing...so do I go on my own for 2 nights and spend my Birthday lonely (my bday falls on the day Im in syd) or do i forfeit the trip and stay home and spend it with my mummy....decisions decisions

I Feel Free......

I feel somewhat free, more free than I felt Friday afternoon before I left work. Shall I start at the beginning....

So Friday after I finished I took My first step at being Independent and doing what I want when I want, without checking with anyone.  The result....

Thats right I went into the tattoo parlour straight afterwork and got myself the tattoo Ive alwasy wanted but kept putting off, didnt even tell him, which Im sure surprised him since I always go and check with him about everything!

Then i went to dinner at southbank with one of my oldest friends, amazing meal and a bottle of red between us both and we were on our way spoilt drunk! probably one of the best nights out in a long time, i loved it!

we then wandered through the markets and ended up at a pyschic LOL who told me all my great fortunes..actually she really was quiet good. I will def be going back to her.

So saturday night I backed it up with a housewarming at my girlfriends place, now I had only been there for a short time when the shots of Absynth came out...

20 mins later and my head was in the toliet with my best friend rubbing my back reminising about the last time this happened when we were at schoolies

Now the more interesting part of the night. HE msged me and offered to pick me up, I had to see him because he had the documents for my new job.

so I jumped in the car expecting to feel this big flush of butterflies and excitement and I felt nothing...not a thing just meh

we went back to HIS apartment and hugn out for awhile, discussed what was going on in each others lives..of course as predicted we ended up in the bedroom.

The amazing thing is though i felt no emotional attachment, nothing of needing him,  missing him, wanting him, just nothing and i think its safe to say I miss the idea of our relationship and what we had but I dont miss him in the respect of i want you back. which is nice...nice not to feel those feelings I feel free

I really dont know how it all happened, I mean i still love him like a friend...but i dont have that overwhelming feeling anymore, and i feel safe to say that I dont see a future for me in a relationship but maybe just really good friends.

Hello Weekend...

MEN... Seriously what good are they? lol dont worry im not changing teams but i mean even look at celebrities their wives a gorgeous, smart bloody fabulous really and yet they still wander else where and get themselves in trouble.
I think it will always be a mystery as to why they do it, but there is just not good explanations why ashton kutcher would cheat on the Queen of Cougaers DEMI MOORE. same goes for the above couple, posh is damn amazing, hot, smart, stylish and she has a hell of a personality, and he wonders over to some scraggy nanny. who can make sense of this, i mean really if you have an answer Im dying to know.

On a lighter note...I have received communication with the long awaited APS...only to be advised they are sending out docs for me to sign so they can all the necessary check. So yet to still find out a start date. still any contact is better than no contact.

I have disclosed to my boss that i may be leaving the company in the next few months, to which he was surprised but excited for me, as its a great oppurtunity.

The rest of weekend is as follows, I have dinner planned with my oldest friend at southbank, along the water. The markets are on tonight so we may go for a walk through that as long as im not still walking like a peguin . (my personal trainer killed me).

Then tomorrow me and mummy dearest are going to a psychic, Im not sure if I believe in this stuff, but at the state Im in I will try anything to find some hope for the future.

Later tomorrow night i will be heading a girlfriends housewarming which is just down the road from him. He has asked if I will come over once its finished...my heart is saying yes but my head is saying no, only time will tell.

Right now im counting down the hours til i can leave this hell hole. not a fan of work right now, and i feel exhausted and sick, damn you trainer and your hard tactics.

Cant wait to see my girlfriends for some much needed bonding!

Self Respect

I  sometimes question whether I have enough self respect for myself.
There are times when I question what am I doing and is this the right action Im taking.

I spent 5 years loving him more than anything, I would of pulled the stars out of the sky for him. I truely thought I was the luckiest girl on earth to find someone like him who loved me.
He was the only person I have ever fully trusted in and confided to, the only one I let in.
5 years of laughter, tears, fights, love and endless hours of talking.

So after all thats said and done...what is the next right step?

I feel stupid and pathetic sometimes, i feel like I should cut him off and run, never look back.

Am I stupid for wanting to keep this strong friendship with him, even after he cheated, and lied, and cheated and lied some more. Am I stupid for letting him have my friendship, because after he found out the horrible thigns she said to me he continued their friendship.

Am  I not respecting myself enough?

The thing is I dont know  how to say goodbye to someone who holds such a big part of my life. I dont know how to turn off this feeling of love I still have for him after everything...

What is right and what is wrong, when do I start losing my self respect?

Tomorrow When the War Began...

So Im currently reading this series, and i cant put it down, i feel as though i sit on the edge of my seat the whole time im reading it.

So i went and saw it at the movies yesterday, it was amazing, i loved every second.

so much passion in this movie, i laughed i cried, i felt part of the team.

The movie was just as good as the book.

The characters were perfect, except for robyn I imagined Robyn to be more sporty, and so much of a preacher.

I have also happened to fall in love with the gorgeous Homer, he is just gorgeous! I could so see myself getting over my heartache with him.

would you look at that. Someone please tell me where I find a boy like him!

Step one...

So I took the first step...and i went to after work drinks last night, as you can see i rid myself off well!

note-wearing the new feel good cue dress, tony bianco heels, versace handbag

i had such a great night connecting with my work friends and having great laughs, im beginning to realise Im not alone, and i really do have a alot of great friends and support, who needs a man.

so we started at Jade Budha...seriously this place is perfect for after work drinks

This place is bliss on a friday afternoon, sunsetting, riverside, $5 cosmos, seriously what more do you need.
so tthe night began here, 3 cosmos down, 2 vodka redbulls and we were off...

funny comment of the night....*its loud and no one can uynderstand what im saying as im trying to tell them the next place we are going, so i translate into drunk forms "oink oink toot toot" (translation pig n whistle) my work colleagues will no longer let me live this down! LOL

so let me just say in the kindest way some people should not be at work drinks, canidate 1, someone in a supervising positon who is a tad bit older with a bunch or early 20's people who work for you, while you get drunk and be sleezyish sorry but im pretty sure i threw up into my mouth at least 10 times to the point where i sent myself home.

canidate 2 is just strange, and gets more bizare with alcohol...who in their right mind at a work function while people are taking photos, grabs the camera, squashs what you might call boobs together and take a photo of it with someones camera....ummmmm yeah no words...

anyway stumbled home at a reasonable time and mummy dearest had vegemite soliders waitting for my drunk ass LOL

on another note....tell me what you think. So I put photos up from last night on my FB, now mr x's best friend who i used to be friends with we arent as close now as his gf hates me for some unknown reason. well anyway has commented on my photo say i look nice. Now if my bf was to do that i would be bustin some nuts up in this joint!

anyway im going to take my hungova ass to watch private practice and eat some strawberries...